I have finally decided I am going to lose weight. The dreaded “D” word. I want to see my grandson graduate from hitgh school. My son and daughter-in-law have committed to losing weight for their son. They want to be healthy parents. I jumped on the bandwagon. Never did like to be left out of anything — even torture. If everybody else is doing it, move over, I’ll jump off the roof with you.

Now, I’m not a newcomer to dieting. I have lost many pounds in my lifetime. Once I lost 190 pounds in a single day. I called it divorce day. Might be the best weight-loss plan I’ve ever been on.

There are so many diet plans out there it is unbelievable. Everything from the outfits that send all your food via FedEx to liposuction and diet clubs. I’m not a joiner so that’s not an option. Besides, wow, they are so expensive. Then, there are weight loss retreats where you move in for a while and undergo regimented eating and living. That costs a pretty penny. You might as well buy an island and give it to them. Then you go home and life resumes as before. What have you gained? What you lost at the spa plus a couple of pounds more.

Representing the popular diet plans and gimmicks is this gorgeous skinny model parading on TV telling you, “Buy this and you’ll look just like me! Yea, I’m so totally cute!” It’s as old as TV itself — sex and youth sells.

There are so many fad diets on the Internet it’s ridiculous. It’s a conglomeration of money-making scams. 

When it gets down to the wire, you have to eat less calories than you burn to lose weight. The fact is: 3500 calories is the rough estimate for the energy contained in one pound of fat. This means that to lose one pound per week, you must create a deficit of 3500 calories per week. Since a week as 7 days, that means a deficit of 3500 / 7 = 500 calories per day.

One pound per week. That’s just depressing and disgusting. At that rate I might not live long enough to hit my ideal weight. 

I’m old as dirt; my significant other is a dog and food is my best friend. I’m batting a hundred here. My addictive personality zeroed in on food many years ago and it has not played fair in our bittersweet relationship. I now have to shed this relationship and embrace the celery and carrots. This is not going to be a fun swap. The rumbly in my tumbly is going to keep me up nights. 

OK, so now I’m officially on the merry-go-round. Ready to be whipped into shape. (I hope I’m speaking figuratively). 

What is my ideal weight? According to the endocrineweb website, for women: “Start with 100 pounds for 5 feet tall. Add 5 pounds for every inch over 5 feet. If you are under 5 feet, subtract 5 pounds for each inch under 5 feet. This will be your ideal weight.” 

Really? Really? I haven’t weighed 125 pounds since I was 1 1/2 years old. This might take a decade or two.

Dieting is a

weigh of life

• It’s not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it’s the seconds.

• The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.

• The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.

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